Have you ever forgotten or lost a period in your life.

I most certainly have. I can recall events from my childhood (not all by any means) and yet later periods are a complete blank.

There may be a few of you out there thinking magic mushrooms, LSD and its associates and of course the demon drink. Even old age can have some part to play. But I have a blank period in my life from around the age of 17. I’ve tried regression and I can remember lots and lots to the run up to that period in my life and plenty more after that period but one period in particular - which I SHOULD have found memorable is a complete blank!

So I gained a little comfort from something I read in my newspaper today. It says: Boffins reckon that memories of painful break-ups and other traumas could be erased from memory with a small dose of ANAESTHETIC.

The findings mirror the Jim Carey film, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, where a man uses such a medical fix to wipe out thoughts of his ex. Scientists have discovered that low doses of the drugs - 10% that needed to knock a person out - effectively blocked communication between the "emotion" section and the "long-term memory" parts of the brain thus stopping the formation of links to distressing images.

University of California researchers said that it could lead to a drug that could be taken soon after trauma or harrowing event to bring an end to post-traumatic stress disorder that is suffered by millions throughout the world.

It could also help explain why I can’t remember ANYTHING about a weeks holiday I had with my cousin and his brothers and sister and their parents when I was a young teenager. About the only thing I CAN remember of that holiday is that it was about three mile walk down a long lane to the beach.

Lasers.

I have not one but TWO small items of news to regale you with today:

The first is:

Allies’ Jet Laser Can Melt Tank!

Allies in the War on Terror now have a new and astonishing weapon at their disposal - a laser cannon that can melt a tank at FIVE MILES distance!! Well - Whoop-D-Doop!

This weapon, The Advanced Tactical Laser, mounted on an aircraft, heats targets to thousands of degrees centigrade in milliseconds (lets all hope that those "friendly fire" incidents are all in the past).

The first model will fly within months of the imminent completion of two years of top-secret testing. It is the first laser of this intensity to be attached to a plane.

Gunners using the laser cannon, lock onto the target(s) with a camera and then adjust the strength, fire-rate and width of the beam accordingly. Boeing, which won the US Department of Defence contract, installed the £100,000,000 ($200,000,000) prototype into a C-130 plane at the Kirtland Air Force Base in New Mexico last December. The maiden flight will take place soon.

It can fire a four inch (10cm) ray over nine miles at the speed of light to slice metal or puncture tyres. Or it can be set to a broader beam of 20 inch (50cm) in order to encompass several targets in rapid succession ( please, please, make doubly sure that "friendly fire" incidents are all in the past!).

The Pentagon plans to use the new weapon on targets where it is important to avoid collateral damage.An independent security source says: "This new "point weapon" is great news. When ordinary bombs are dropped on targets from aircraft it is difficult to avoid collateral damage and you cannot guarantee a direct hit. But with these lasers it is a true straight line so once you have it in sight and you are on target, away you go. Lasers have been used for years but this will save a lot of time."

On reflection it may also save a lot of innocent lives, I say.

Speaking of reflection. Have they thought about that low tech form of defence, the mirror?

The second is:

Brewing A Droop!

A woman who drugged her 64 year old husband with a home-made impotency potion to stop him having an affair with his 29 year old mistress, was jailed for two months.

His wife, 59 year old Jadwiga Czerniakowski of Lodz, Poland, used a secret formula that had been handed down through generations ’cos she said that his brain had dropped into his pants!

Her husband, Stanislaw, said last night: " I have no hard feelings."

Did you see that?

The Biggest Explosion So Far!!!!

I meant to pick up on this almost insignificantly small and yet potentially large report gleaned from my newspaper of yesterdayAstronomers have revealed that they have recorded evidence of the most powerful explosion EVER seen in the Universe so far.

This gigantic gamma ray blast - caused by a star collapsing and forming a black hole - occurred seven and a half BILLION YEARS ago, long before the Earth was even formed! But only now has evidence of that enormous flash of light - visible here to the naked eye - reached us.In NASA’s scientific descriptive words a spokesperson said:

"This was a whopper!"

But lets think on a little here. That star MAY have had an Earth-like planet in orbit around it. Maybe that planet had born the fruits of life. It may even have been populated - at some time in the past - by INTELLIGENT beings!

So I think that on this Easter Day we should offer up thoughts for these billions of possible deaths and ask that they Rest In Peace.

Yet one more nail in the creationists coffin.

Seeing red.

You football (soccer) fans are going to love this.

According to an involved research into almost one hundred years of English League football, teams that wear red strip have the most success at scoring goals!?

They win more games ’cos - "they say" - that red is natures "aggressive" colour.

These researchers - based at the University of Plymouth and Durham University - who are obviously under-worked and overpaid - say: "...it gives a psychological boost to the players’ and their teams." The source added:

"In close games the wearing of red COULD tip the balance."

Bearing this in mind, couldn’t the England Management INSIST on attiring our mediocre national team in head to toe scarlet?

This measure that I am proposing would be sure to help even up the balance when we are drawn against teams like;

Germany (White),
Italy (Blue),
Argentina (Blue)
Holland (Orange) and of course
Brazil (Yellow).

Why these "researchers" don’t get sent out into the
REAL (White)

World to find proper jobs I’ll never know.

Up The ’Ammers (Burgundy)!

Received email: I think you’ll like this one.

You don’t even have to be a mother to enjoy this one... but it might help.

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered,

"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,

"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle, the one that my mother gave to me. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian was a little taken aback by this but could see his girlfriends had her suspicion, said, "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom,I’m not saying that you "did" take the silver gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian.

A few days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.

Anon.

Springtime?

Spring is here the grass is riz...


It’s that time of year again. Spring is here, the grass is riz. We wonder where the lawnmower is.

The first couple of warm days were upon us making it possible to get the first cut of the year in.Successful though it was, it did leave our lawn looking a little threadbare. So I decided to give it a spring feed of fertilizer.

A quick trip to the garden centre left me with a light wallet and a heavy bag of lawn feed. After lugging it home I perused the instruction on dosage etc.

I read that:

"GRASS MUST BE CUT AT LEAST FOUR DAYS BEFORE APPLICATION"

So that meant that I would have to wait at least another three days before applying the rejuvenating mixture.

The four days elapsed. I went into my shed to commence fertilization. It was drizzling with rain but I’m not afraid of getting wet.

I again perused the application instructions:

"DON’T FEED LAWN WHILST GRASS IS WET"

Another week has passed. The rain has now stopped and the grass is up to my ankles.

I have to cut it now so that in four days time I can feed it.

If it isn’t raining.

Strip Clubbed.

You football (soccer) fans are going to love this.

According to a research into almost one one hundred years of English League football, teams that wear red strip have the most success at scoring goals!?

They win more games 'cos - "they say" - that red is natures "aggressive" colour.

These researchers - based at the University of Plymouth and Durham University - who are obviously under-worked and overpaid - say: "...it gives a psychological boost to the players' and their teams."

The source added:

"In close games the wearing of red COULD tip the balance."

Bearing this in mind, couldn't the England Management INSIST on attiring our mediocre national team in head to toe scarlet? This measure that I am proposing would be sure to help even up the balance when we are drawn against teams like;

Germany (White),

Italy (Blue),

Argentina (Blue)

Holland (Orange) and of course

Brazil (Yellow).

Why these "researchers" don't get sent out into the

REAL (White)

World to find proper jobs I'll never know.

Up The 'Ammers (Burgundy)!

Sunbed parking meters.

Man the deckchairs!

Admit it, we've all been there haven't we? We've all been on a holiday in the sun and found ourselves on the beach, by the pool or on the sun-deck of a cruise liner.

It's sunny and it's mid-morning and we're trying to find an empty sun-lounger or deckchair. But most of them are occupied with sun-worshippers while the rest are occupied by colourful towels. Even at 6.30 in the morning these sun-loungers and deckchairs are occupied but at this time in a morning they are ALL OCCUPIED BY TOWELS!!

Yes, it's the German invasion. They weren't happy with invading Poland, France and half of the rest of sodding Europe, now they resort to annexing all the bloody deckchairs!! Why do the selfish German b*****ds' feel that they have to do this?

Recently - in my newspaper, The SUN - I heard about a captain of a cruise ship being probed by race-relations chiefs for upsetting these rampaging Hun hoards - by banning them from putting towels on sunbeds. He said: "We don't want any sort of Germanic behavior aboard this ship!" And good on him for saying so, I say.

But some of the passengers aboard the P&O 77,000 ton Oceana reported him to The Equal Rights Commission! This row came after he had put a twenty minute limit on folk reserving sunbeds. It seemed to me like a bloody good idea. A P&O spokesman for Captain Christopher Wells - who has since been promoted to command the Queen Mary 2 - has: "apologised unreservedly" to the passengers.

But didn't Captain Wells have a very valid point?

I believe that it is high time that all sun-loungers, sunbeds and deckchairs have parking meters attached to them. One Euro (or equivelant) gets you one hour of sunbathing, and NO towel reserving at all.

Peace in our time? You gotta be joking.

Old sex.

SEX LIFE OF AN ELDERLY COUPLE.


(This came in an email this morning and I feel it would be unfair not to share it with you.)

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there now and we can do it all over again for old time's sake?"

She's well up for it. "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble so he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've just got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple pass by, he asks, " Excuse me, but that was something else - you must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man - with tears in his eyes - is barely able to reply;

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

Anon.

Fish story

There's a lot of fishy goings on in China.

I was just wondering if James Randi might be interested in following this fishy tale up?

The text says:

A MYSTIC claims he can cook fish - using only the power of his mind.

Chinese He Tieheng - who calls himself "The God Of Fire" - says he uses a technique called Oigong to channel brainwaves onto food.

He showed off his power to a theatre audience of 7,000 - who said that the fish started to smoke and change colour within a minute of him holding it.

Amazed Mei Lee,29, who was at The Lark Theatre in Guangzhou, China, said:

"Afterwards he had black soot on his hands where the fish had singed."Tieheng said:

"The power of the mind is able to conquer natural forces."

He claimed he could channel "psychopneumatological force", adding:

"I once cooked a carp thinking about a gas range belting out 1,000 degrees C of heat."

END of report.

Sanitary Cleaning

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet , the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.





Sincerely,

The Dog .

















Anon.

Get your digital TV fingers out.

Now that digital television is up-and-running,

would it be asking too much of the TV boffins to use the new technology to best effect?

Frinstance, I'd like a television transmission system that would allow me to control the volume of the background music. Especially during documentaries and nature programs, just so that I might hear the voiced commentary.

I'd like that same system to allow me to turn down the inane canned laughter on "comedy" programs while still allowing me to hear the dialogue. If I think something is funny I'll laugh. I don't need prompting.

I'd also like the opportunity to switch off the unintelligible punditry from the so-called "experts" that accompany sports commentaries without having to miss out on the actual description of play.

Lastly, I'd like to be in charge of the damn camera so that I would no longer have to suffer all that ridiculous: zoom in - pan - spin - pan - zoom up - focus out - pan left - right - up - down - jiggle it a bit - pass the aspirin, fragmented filming techniques that abound today.

But it could be my age I suppose.