The Darts Match.

Date November 12th 1990

ASSAULT AND BATTERY

The Darts Match (a bit of light relief).

Date written November 12th 1990


It was a lousy evening as I made my way home from the darts match. The rain beat down like there would be no tomorrow. Lightning forked the sky chased closely by rolling thunder that could be heard even above the noise of the engine pulling my old saloon (sedan) car. Despite it all, I felt wonderfully happy. I had won my darts match most convincingly, dropped the jackpot on the club bandit and flirted with the barmaid. Now I just had to get home to my wife before I turned into a pumpkin.

As usual for this part of the world it was raining. There I was, bombing along on the crest of a wave, literally, when all of a sudden I hit an extra large puddle. The engine cut out bringing my car to a sudden stop - but not me. I was propelled forward onto the steering wheel and into the windscreen goes my head. BANG!

There's a lot to be said for seat belts but we didn't have to have them in those days. I quickly knocked the car out of gear. The lights went dead. I peered through the rain lashed windscreen and tried to make for the safety of the grass verge. I braked gently and brought the car to a bucking stop, teetering on the side of a ditch. 

Having attended night classes in "Car Maintenance" only a few short months previously, I had shrewdly reasoned - before the car had even stopped moving - just what the most likely cause of the failure was, so I wasted no time at all.

I removed the key from the ignition, got out of the car and closed the door to keep out the rain. Raising the bonnet (hood) and propping it up with its stay took only a few seconds. I rummaged around in the engine compartment where I knew the battery to be situated and sure enough found the trouble straight away. The battery lead had come off.

All I had to do was reconnect it, tighten it up and I could be on my way home to a hot cocoa, a cool wife and a warm bed.

Opening the boot (trunk) of my car I fumbled around for the tool I required from among the usual junk strewn there. I found it with little difficulty and made my way to the engine compartment to remedy the fault.

Whilst engaged in the task, there came an enormous sheet of lightening and an almighty crash of thunder. Startled, I made an involuntary movement and the spanner (wrench) I was using to tighten the terminal with the result it came into contact with the body of the car. The spanner stuck there midst a shower of sparks. I jumped in alarm letting go of the spanner as I did so, dislodged the bonnet (hood) stay and the heavy bonnet crashed right on to my head.

I swore a little and propped up the bonnet again. I fished out the spanner from where it was still "glued" and finished the job of connecting the HT lead. I tossed the spanner into the boot and slammed the lid on it. I then went to get into the car to test the repair. 

The door was locked!!

Christ! I thought, I'm locked out! 

It's a habit of mine to press the door locking handle as I get out of my car, closing and locking in one easy movement. I desperately patted the pockets of my wet jeans and heaved a sigh of relief as I located them. I let myself into the car and allowed myself a half smile as I slumped into the seat.

I put the key into the ignition. I turned it and the old engine burst into life straightaway. I allowed myself another smile. The storm still crashed around me as the rain still lashed the windscreen, but in a few minutes I would be home and tucked up in a warm bed with perhaps a slightly cooler wife. I put the car in gear and switched on the lights and wipers.

I was about to move away when I realised that I still had the bonnet up.

Keep calm man, keep calm I told myself. Just a mere detail. I sat a moment to gather myself.

Satisfied that I was sufficiently gathered I got out of the car, closed the door behind me and - taking hold of the bonnet stay - I located it carefully into its holder. I then let the bonnet drop into its clips.

It was at about this point that I realised that I had locked myself out! The engine was running like a good 'n, the lights were lighting and the wipers were wiping, but I couldn't get in!

I tried all of the doors in turn. No luck. All of the windows were fastened tight too.

I stood there like a defeated soldier of the trenches. Rain soaked, mud and blood spattered, utterly frozen to the marrow and demoralised. I was almost at the end of my tether. Come on Tony - I urged myself - you're not beaten yet! First thing to do is dowse the lights and stop the engine.

I fished the spanner out from the dark depths of the boot, propped the bonnet up on its stay and proceeded with the task of removing a battery lead. I decided to tackle the earth terminal this time, as there would be no risk of a short circuit.

Maybe it was the wet spanner or maybe I was starting to get careless. The spanner slipped from my hand and disappeared into the depths of the engine compartment. I swore. I stared into the engulfing blackness of that engine compartment with unseeing eyes. If only I had a torch, I thought to myself.

Please God! let there be light!

As if in answer to my prayer the whole area was lit up briefly by sheet lightning and I caught a fleeting glimpse of the object of my desires nestling down by the dirty oil filter. I reached into the dark recesses of the throbbing filthy engine to retrieve the spanner, but instead of finding the elusive tool I found a spark plug instead!

Now I won't bore you with the details as to why the human body acts in the way it does when enlivened by a few thousand amps, suffice to say that you just have to remove the part of your body so affected very quickly indeed. My arm shot out of there with the speed of a maiden who had just come across my medical-history notes. Time so short had not yet been invented! In making this sudden unrehearsed movement I dislodged, yet again, the stay supporting the bonnet. It crashed down, this time almost severing the fingers of my left hand (the nails took months to regain their proper nail colour).

It must have been around about this point that I started to get disillusioned with life. I was beginning to go off this motoring lark. (A feeling that I still bear to this day.) I wearily raised the wayward bonnet, propped it and stood back, warily. I decided to ignore the elusive spanner and instead I searched for a pair of pliers that I knew to be in the boot. They did the job in a trice, and with the battery lead off and the storm abating, all around me was dark and relatively quiet.

With the calming of the storm and the clouds starting to thin a little the light of a shy moon shone through the scudding clouds. Through the car window by this light I could see my keys in the ignition. I walked around the car trying all the windows and doors yet again, hoping against hope that I may have missed one or the other. No such luck. It was then that an idea struck me!

At the rear of my car, under the back window is a narrow shelf. This shelf is directly over the top of the boot forming part of the ceiling and is held in position with spring clips from below. All that I had to do was get into the boot. Remove the clips. Push out the shelf, and with a little bit of luck I should be able to reach into the car and lift up the locking handle on one of the doors.

Simple!

..... I must have been.

Everything went according to plan until it came to reaching with my arm through the hole. The space between the back of the rear seat and the rear window was narrower than I had envisaged; little more than the width of my head at its widest (the hole at its widest not my head). But as they say; "There's no fool like an old idiot." so I forced my head through and then one arm. I squeezed a part of my shoulder through and reached as far as I could towards the door handle.

But it was no use. My busty substances kept hampering my efforts. No matter how I tried my fingers were always a good six inches short of their target. So, after a while the futility of my attempts dawned. I decided to withdraw and appraise the situation..................................!

No deal. 

I twisted and turned. Strained and twisted and turned. It was no good. I was stuck.

After a short while to gain what composure I could muster, I yet again hit on an idea.

The frame of the seat back didn't appear to be all that strong. If could sprag my legs against something to afford me some leverage I might be able to collapse the back of the rear seat and make the hole bigger. I drew my legs into the boot of the car and splayed them out inside the boot to my best advantage. Having decided that the necessary purchase had been obtained I proceeded to strain against the back of the seat and relax. Strain - - relax - - strain - - relax - - etc.

This set up a yawing motion in the car. I felt something move! I distinctly felt movement! The car moved!! The car slid sideways and backwards into the ditch, the boot lid slammed shut! 

I was entombed!!

As I sat trapped there staring at the hedge bottom with knees akimbo, I realised that it had stopped raining. I looked at my watch. Quarter past four. I doubted that my missus had even missed me as yet. But that's another story.

It must have been about an hour or so later that the sound of a car awoke me from a troubled snooze. I couldn't see the car but I heard it stop. I heard the sound of car doors slamming and voices. Hurrah!! Rescue is at hand. I sensed them close by and called out.

"Hellllp!" I cried.

"Hey! there's somebody in here!" I heard one voice say. "Are you alright?" asked the same voice.

Yes I was alright in the circumstances and proceeded to relate the whole sorry episode. They couldn't open the boot because of the way that the car had landed so I gave them my home address and they set off to inform my wife of my well being/predicament and with a promise that they would have her return with help and the spare key.

Knowing that I would be released from my nightmare AND have a sound alibi for the lost time, I once more drifted off into uncomfortable sleep.

It was the sound of a motor again that woke me. My wife's voice was soon anxiously enquiring about my health. The tow-truck had to pull my car from the ditch before they could open it up and get me out. Again I related the nights ordeal to whoever seemed interested. My wife did her best to comfort me through the toughened glass, then one of the breakdown men, who had been busy at the front of my car looking under the bonnet (hood), asked; -

"O.K, Sir, Where have you hidden the battery?"

Some toe rag had nicked it!