Knife amnesties.

Reports in the news suggesting

that knife amnesties are a waste of time and money are absolutely spot on. Knife amnesties are dead in the water. If anyone intends to arm themselve with a blade there's very little to stop them. Certainly not knife amnesties.

Ok, a few of the knives handed in by the law-abiding MAY one day have fallen into the hands of a psychopathic killer but the vast majority of them would not. It isn't the knife sat in a drawer or cupboard that is a danger, in much the same way cars that are parked in the drive or garage aren't dangerous. It is only when either are handled by idiots or the psychotic that the trouble starts.

And anyway, if a psycho wishes to arm himself for a killing he merely has to scrape up a £1 ($2) and visit a cut-price store where he can purchase a whole set of razer sharp knives and maybe get change.

A certain 99p ($1.99) shop chain in my area sells kitchen knives in sets of half dozen including a sharpener! Or one can buy a replica of the knife that killed special constable Nisha Patel-Nasri at the same store for the same 99p.

Though I was shocked to learn that 300,000 kids take knives to school for self-defence purposes, why have ministers felt the need to introduce a specific law to cover the carrying of such weapons in school? Surely the law already covers the carrying of knives in public so why have another for a specific area? After all, unless these knives are on sale in the school tuck-shop (sweet shop) they have had to be carried to school by the pupils themselves.

The facination of knives starts at a very early age. I am 67 years of age and without any criminal record and yet 56 years ago - as any eleven year old boy would - I wanted a knife.
This advert in "The Daily Herald" a newspaper of the day, caught my eye:

"Apply for a Kaye's Catalogue and get this FREE! kitchen knife."

There was a picture of the knife and even an application form to get it offering FREE! postage.

I duly filled out the form putting a wrong age and calling myself Mrs Strickland who was a neighbour, but giving our address which was five doors away from hers.

Each day I checked the post with anticipation until one day I arrived home from school and found the parcel unopened on our kitchen table. My mum told me to; "Be a good boy and take this round to Mrs Strickland." which I gladly did. But of course I opened it enroute, trousered that knife and treasured it.

However, I didn't have time to treasure it long before it was confiscated by my headmaster. My dastardly crime? Throwing it at the school toilet door. The kids of today are quite different. They themselves admit to carrying knives for their own "protection" or if they have a beef with a school mate. They even state their postcodes as gangs memberes. So why don't our security forces organise good old police swoops to clear the misguided knife thugs from our streets? How many more of our kids are to die on our streets before the police act to attack the sharp end of street crime?

The moral to this tale if there is one: If I, at ten or eleven years of age a mere innocent boy, could show the initiative and guile to acquire a possibly dangerous weapon in very stringent times. what - if anything - can stop modern youth from arming themselves to the teeth?

Knife amnesties? Gimme a break!

Evan Trembley is missing from home.

Evan Trembley is missing from home.

Please look at the picture, read what his mother says, then forward this message on. My 15 year old boy, Evan Trembley, is missing. He has been missing since 20 September 2007. Maybe if everyone passes this on, someone will see this child. That is how the girl from Stevens Point was found by circulation of her picture on tv. The internet circulates even overseas,South America , and Canada etc.

Please pass this to everyone in your address book. With GOD on his side he will be found. 'I am asking you all, begging you to please forward this email on to anyone and everyone you know, PLEASE. It is still not too late. Please help us. If anyone knows anything, please contact me at:

http://uk.f867.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=HelpfindEvanTrembley@yahoocom

I am including a picture of him. All prayers are appreciated!!
It only takes 2 seconds to forward this. If it was your child, you would want all the help you could get!!


Pat

Saving the Rhino.

Saving Planet Earth, and the Rhino.

Rhino horn has been in demand for more than 1,000 years by various people, including Africans, Europeans, Arabs, Chinese, and Indians. Although all rhino species face the threat of extinction in the wild, many people still covet their horns as status symbols, powerful medicines, and aphrodisiacs.

Only a few African tribes use rhino horns; they have mostly helped export them to other countries. This illegal trade is and has been decimating the rhino population for many years.


I have just been putting my not-inconsiderable thought processes to good work to help save the rhino. These beautiful creatures are being hunted to extinction to supply sexually frustrated males with an aphrodisiac. We all know that this efficacy attributed to powdered rhino horn is nothing more than a superstition.

So I suggest that we have some of the worlds top bio-chemists concoct a convincing imitation of powdered rhino horn and blend it with tadalafil, a generic sex stimulant. (even without the sex drug, the placebo effect should be just as beneficial as the real thing).

Once perfected this pseudo rhino horn powder can be allowed (helped by agents) to infiltrate the market, slowly at first, until eventually the market is flooded and the price falls dramatically to something approaching that of aspirin. There will then be little incentive for poachers to continue their vile business.

It isn't as if the end consumer would be being duped - seeing as how they are criminals anyway - in fact the bogus powder should be far more efficacious than the real thing. And, if the false medication is made so good that even the experts cannot tell the difference, this beneficial scam could eventually be confessed and the real con, that of the so-called-benefits of the real rhino horn, well and truly exposed.

The pseudo rhino horn powder would eventually become generic and maybe even find a much wider market that could only ever be satisfied by a manufacturing process.

Well, for what it's worth, that is my serious suggestion for saving the rhino.

And just remember this: They laughed when Da Vinci showed drawings of aeroplanes and helicopters and other fanciful ideas. At the turn of the last century they thought that engine powered flight lay another 1,000 years ahead while at the same time the Wright brothers were doing secretive bumps and circuits in FlyerII at Kitty Hawk. And it took little over a dozen years from Uri Gagarin's first ground breaking brief trip into space for MAN to walk on the Moon.

This could be could be yet one more small step for man, one giant leap towards saving the rhino.

G-spots before the eyes.

How do I find a G-Spot.


How do you women, in general, expect we mere male mortals to find the G-spot when you keep moving it? This subject has always mystified us and no small blame can be attributed to the newspaper problems pages, either.

This elusive spot has, over the years, been placed at a reference point just one inch up in the front wall of the vagina to one and a half inches up, through to two inches up and now they've come along and moved it over three inches to a full FIVE BLOODY INCHES! It appears that I've been scraping away at the wrong spot for years. And I thought her tears were of love and ecstasy.

They further muddy the waters, so to speak, by going on about women who love climaxing through oral sex performed on them. (I too can reach climax while performing the same stunt, but that's another matter). Cum on! Very very few men come equipped with a five inch tongue not even if it's erect.

But we can forget all this now 'cos in my newspaper today the headline is: There are girls out there with NO G-spot!!

Studies at the University of L'Aquila in Italy (where else) have discovered that there are women out there with NO G-spot!! Study leader Dr Emmanuele Janini says that women without a G-spot would struggle to reach orgasm through intercourse (get away!) but could still get satisfaction via other forms of stimulation (pass the chocolates).

Yes lads, NO G-spot, so you can stop looking. Concentrate instead on finding other ways to please your women (for a start you could try doing the ironing).

In a similar vein it is much the same with men who write in to these problem pages worried about being abnormal in the trouser department. They write in stating: ".... I'm four.... five and two thirds..... six..... eight and one eighth..... eleven and three-quarters long in the trouser department, am I normal?"

Of course you ain't normal! What are you doing with a bloody tape measure at a time like this anyway? It's not DIY! (Oh yes it is).

The sex "expert" invariably assures them that they are indeed normal! But how can taking a tape measure into the bathroom and whisking their todgers into a state of abject arousal and then sliding a tape-measure along it and making notes be NORMAL? If you're not trained in the use of such measuring devices, you might even be getting your imperials mixed up with those foreign decibel measurements in the process? And any-road-up it's the FIRST two inches that does the business, not the last two.




Mind how you come,

Juan Kerr.

Motorway Madness

Motorway Lane Hogging UK style.

Just what constitutes lane hogging on a 70mph limit three lane motorway?

I'm in my car on the motorway, travelling along in the centre lane at the regulation 70-75 mph and keeping the regulation three seconds gap behind the vehicle in front who is also keeping to the speed limit and at a safe three seconds distance behind the car in front of him and so on down the line.

The slow inside lane - made up mostly of heavy goods vehicles - is progressing at the regulation 65-70mph and all is well with the world.

In the third lane - the outside fast lane - traffic is going at a slightly illegal rate of 75mph+ but by and large nobody is bothered much.


We are all quite happy with our lot, making speedy, safe progress. We are all happy souls making our separate ways, going about our separate lives blissfully. And then, in my rear-view mirror I spot the fly in the ointment.

He (it's usually a he) is within a yard of my bumper, tailgating me at 73mph. Now if he was so minded he could pull over into the third lane, the fast lane and speed past but no, he insists on riding my rear bumper.

Am I a lane hogger? Is the car three seconds in front of me lane hogging?

He then flashes his lights. Do I ignore him and risk compounding the issue?

No. I notice that on my left in the slow inside lane there is a slightly wider gap than the regulation three seconds between the heavy vehicles so I signal and without slowing I pull into the gap.

The guy that was behind me in the centre lane quickly accelerates past and up to the next vehicle, presumably to repeat the process.

I, meanwhile, becos I'm doing the regulation 70mph, am rapidly approaching a lorry in the slow lane which is keeping to its regulation speed of 60mph. I check my mirrors, signal and pull back into the centre lane causing the centre lane to adjust speed slightly to accomodate me.

This slight slowing down effect - transmitted down the line of traffic for some considerable distance - is magnified and in some cases causes traffic "concertinaring" and even the odd braking manouvre.

This is what causes the "yo-yo effect" of traffic often mysteriously encounted on motorways. Our "road hog" is still tailgating the other car down the line.

I have been driving for something like fifty years so I must have learnt a wrinkle or two regarding motorway etiquette.

The first rule is; don't race, keep a steady and reasonable pace and a respectful gap.

The second rule is; don't hog the overtaking (outside lane) and keep a safe distance from the car ahead.

And the third rule is; abide by the three second rule (double it in dicey conditions) and thus keep a safer distance from the vehicle in front.

Mind how you go or you might be a gonner!

Got any gum chum?

This is only going to be a very short blog.

My cousin is a pigeon fancier and breeder. For the past dozen years or so he has been working flat out to breed a pigeon that eats spearmint and now he has cracked it!

These pigeons will set about eating the filthy stuff that is constantly being spat out onto our pavemented areas and walkways.

He tells me that it wasn't easy or cheap to train his birds to eat chewing gum because he had to work on a reward system to encourage the birds to take to the sticky mess. During diligent research he discovered that the only thing they seemed to like BETTER than their enforced diet of spearmint was fag ends (cigarette ends, old stogies) but that has also proved something of a bonus.

Another bonus is that the pigeons have taken to only crapping on spearmint chewers and smokers, possibly to force these people to disgorge their pigeon"food".

If there are any local authorities out there who would like to learn more about this breed of pigeon, please contact me at this page.

Coo!

Global Warming!!!!!

A complete list of things caused by global warming

Acne, agricultural land increase, Africa devastated, African aid threatened, Africa hit hardest, air pressure changes, Alaska reshaped, allergies increase, Alps melting, Amazon a desert, American dream end, amphibians breeding earlier (or not), ancient forests dramatically changed, animals head for the hills, Antarctic grass flourishes, Antarctic ice grows, Antarctic ice shrinks, anxiety, algal blooms, archaeological sites threatened, Arctic bogs melt, Arctic in bloom, Arctic ice free, Arctic lakes disappear, asthma, Atlantic less salty, Atlantic more salty, atmospheric defiance, atmospheric circulation modified, attack of the killer jellyfish, avalanches reduced, avalanches increased, Baghdad snow, bananas destroyed, bananas grow, beetle infestation, bet for $10,000, better beer, big melt faster, billion dollar research projects, billions face risk, billions of deaths, bird distributions change, bird visitors drop, birds return early, birds driven north, blackbirds stop singing, blizzards, blue mussels return, bluetongue, boredom, bridge collapse (Minneapolis), Britain Siberian, British gardens change, brothels struggle, bubonic plague, budget increases, Buddhist temple threatened, building collapse, building season extension, bushfires, business opportunities, business risks, butterflies move north, camel deaths, cancer deaths in England, cardiac arrest, caterpillar biomass shift, cave paintings threatened, challenges and opportunities, childhood insomnia, Cholera, circumcision in decline, cirrus disappearance, civil unrest, cloud increase, cloud stripping, cockroach migration, cod go south, cold climate creatures survive, cold spells (Australia), computer models, conferences, coral bleaching, coral reefs dying, coral reefs grow, coral reefs shrink , cold spells, cost of trillions, cougar attacks, cremation to end, crime increase, crocodile sex, crumbling roads, buildings and sewage systems, cyclones (Australia), damages equivalent to $200 billion, Darfur, Dartford Warbler plague, death rate increase (US), Dengue hemorrhagic fever, dermatitis, desert advance, desert life threatened, desert retreat, destruction of the environment, diarrhoea, disappearance of coastal cities, diseases move north, Dolomites collapse, drought, drowning people, ducks and geese decline, dust bowl in the corn belt, early marriages, early spring, earlier pollen season, Earth biodiversity crisis, Earth dying, Earth even hotter, Earth light dimming, Earth lopsided, Earth melting, Earth morbid fever, Earth on fast track, Earth past point of no return, Earth slowing down, Earth spinning out of control, Earth spins faster, Earth to explode, earth upside down, Earth wobbling, earthquakes, El Niño intensification, end of the world as we know it, erosion, emerging infections, encephalitis, equality threatened, Europe simultaneously baking and freezing, evolution accelerating, expansion of university climate groups, extinctions (human, civilisation, logic, Inuit, smallest butterfly, cod, ladybirds, bats, pandas, pikas, polar bears, pigmy possums, gorillas, koalas, walrus, whales, frogs, toads, turtles, orang-utan, elephants, tigers, plants, salmon, trout, wild flowers, woodlice, penguins, a million species, half of all animal and plant species, mountain species, not polar bears, barrier reef, leaches), experts muzzled, extreme changes to California, fading fall foliage, famine, farmers go under, fashion disaster, fever,figurehead sacked, fir cone bonanza, fish catches drop, fish downsize, fish catches rise, fish stocks at risk, fish stocks decline, five million illnesses, flesh eating disease, flood patterns change, floods, floods of beaches and cities, Florida economic decline, flowers in peril, food poisoning, food prices rise, food prices soar, food security threat (SA), footpath erosion, forest decline, forest expansion, frostbite, frosts, fungi fruitful, fungi invasion, games change, Garden of Eden wilts, genetic diversity decline, gene pools slashed, giant squid migrate, gingerbread houses collapse, glacial earthquakes, glacial retreat, glacial growth, glacier wrapped, global cooling, global dimming, glowing clouds, god melts, golf Masters wrecked, Gore omnipresence, grandstanding, grasslands wetter, Great Barrier Reef 95% dead, Great Lakes drop, greening of the North, Grey whales lose weight, Gulf Stream failure, habitat loss, Hantavirus pulmonary syndrome, harvest increase, harvest shrinkage, hay fever epidemic, hazardous waste sites breached, health of children harmed, heart disease, heart attacks and strokes (Australia), heat waves, hibernation ends too soon, hibernation ends too late, homeless 50 million, hornets, high court debates, human development faces unprecedented reversal, human fertility reduced, human health improvement, human health risk, human race oblivion, hurricanes, hurricane reduction, hydropower problems, hyperthermia deaths, ice sheet growth, ice sheet shrinkage, illness and death, inclement weather, infrastructure failure (Canada), Inuit displacement, Inuit poisoned, Inuit suing, industry threatened, infectious diseases, inflation in China, insurance premium rises, invasion of cats, invasion of herons, invasion of midges, island disappears, islands sinking, itchier poison ivy, jellyfish explosion, Kew Gardens taxed, kitten boom, krill decline, lake and stream productivity decline, lake shrinking and growing, landslides, landslides of ice at 140 mph, lawsuits increase, lawsuit successful, lawyers' income increased (surprise surprise!), lightning related insurance claims, little response in the atmosphere, lush growth in rain forests, Lyme disease, Malaria, malnutrition, mammoth dung melt, Maple syrup shortage, marine diseases, marine food chain decimated, marine dead zone, Meaching (end of the world), megacryometeors, Melanoma, methane emissions from plants, methane burps, melting permafrost, Middle Kingdom convulses, migration, migration difficult (birds), microbes to decompose soil carbon more rapidly, monkeys on the move, Mont Blanc grows, monuments imperiled, more bad air days, more research needed, mortality increased, mountain (Everest) shrinking, mountains break up, mountains taller, mortality lower, mudslides, National security implications, natural disasters quadruple, new islands, next ice age, Nile delta damaged, noctilucent clouds, no effect in India, Northwest Passage opened, nuclear plants bloom, oaks dying, oaks move north, oblivion, ocean acidification, ocean waves speed up, opera house to be destroyed, outdoor hockey threatened, oyster diseases, ozone loss, ozone repair slowed, ozone rise, Pacific dead zone, personal carbon rationing, pest outbreaks, pests increase, phenology shifts, plankton blooms, plankton destabilised, plankton loss, plant viruses, plants march north, polar bears aggressive, polar bears cannibalistic, polar bears drowning, polar bears starve, polar tours scrapped, porpoise astray, profits collapse, psychosocial disturbances, puffin decline, railroad tracks deformed, rainfall increase, rainfall reduction, rape wave, refugees, reindeer larger, release of ancient frozen viruses, resorts disappear, rice threatened, rice yields crash, riches, rift on Capitol Hill, rioting and nuclear war, rivers dry up, river flow impacted, rivers raised, roads wear out, rockfalls, rocky peaks crack apart, roof of the world a desert, rooftop bars, Ross river disease, ruins ruined, salinity reduction, salinity increase, Salmonella, salmon stronger, satellites accelerate, school closures, sea level rise, sea level rise faster, seals mating more, sewer bills rise, severe thunderstorms, sex change, sharks booming, sharks moving north, sheep shrink, shop closures, shrimp sex problems, shrinking ponds, shrinking shrine, ski resorts threatened, slow death, smaller brains, smog, snowfall increase, snowfall heavy, snowfall reduction, soaring food prices, societal collapse, songbirds change eating habits, sour grapes, space problem, spiders invade Scotland, squid population explosion, squirrels reproduce earlier, spectacular orchids, storms wetter, stormwater drains stressed, street crime to increase, suicide, Tabasco tragedy, taxes, tectonic plate movement, teenage drinking, terrorism, threat to peace, ticks move northward (Sweden), tides rise, tourism increase, trade barriers, trade winds weakened, tree beetle attacks, tree foliage increase (UK), tree growth slowed, trees could return to Antarctic, trees in trouble, trees less colourful, trees more colourful, trees lush, tropics expansion, tropopause raised, tsunamis, turtles crash, turtles lay earlier, UK coastal impact, UK Katrina, Vampire moths, Venice flooded, volcanic eruptions, walrus displaced, walrus pups orphaned, walrus stampede, war, wars over water, wars sparked, wars threaten billions, water bills double, water supply unreliability, water scarcity (20% of increase), water stress, weather out of its mind, weather patterns awry, weeds, Western aid cancelled out, West Nile fever, whales move north, wheat yields crushed in Australia, white Christmas dream ends, wildfires, wind shift, wind reduced, wine - harm to Australian industry, wine industry damage (California), wine industry disaster (US), wine - more English, wine -German boon, wine - no more French , winters in Britain colder, wolves eat more moose, wolves eat less, workers laid off, World bankruptcy, World in crisis, World in flames, Yellow fever.

and all on 0.006 deg C per year!

The Trench Foreign Legion.

In the Trenches.

Bang! BANG! Bang!.....Bang! Young Tommy Aitkin instinctively pulled his neck further into his greatcoat as lead whistled overhead. He'd been recruited at the last minute to take part in this the final round of the battle for supremacy after replacing an injured compatriot. It was his first time in foreign fields and the incessant rain didn't make his trench any more comfortable. His balaclava did help keep him warm and somewhat dry but his feet were cold and wet.

He instinctively ducked again as more shots were loosed in his direction, the strong smell of gun smoke drifted into his nostrils and merely caused his senses to heighten the awareness of just how important his task was at this momentous hour. Even from where he was in a sheltered position he could hear the spent cartridge case being expelled and fall with clattering to the ground.

He remembered how his father: killed in the last great war, who'd always drilled into him that nerve counted above anything at a time like this and Tommy had no intention of letting the side down. He'd been recruited back in his home town of Newcastle, and travelled with the other lads on a short flight from a remote Lincolnshire airfield. It'd been a close thing as they'd been forced to fly low to avoid the atrocious weather.

Command orders were to be heard barked down the line again: Bang! bang! Bang! More shots flew low overhead. He looked at his watch - the services watch that his father had willed to him - and then at his loader. He checked the firing mechanism on his equipment for the umpteenth time, wiping away what moisture and mud he could. It would soon be their turn with the guns.

BANG!....bang!...............Bang! The firing was getting more deliberate and with increasing accuracy. Up above his position in the trench and a little bit to the rear he could see his senior gesturing for him to ready himself as it would soon be their turn to enter into the fray. His reflexes tuned to a high pitch he felt a small cool bead of sweat trickle down from his brow and run along the side of his nose to form into a drop that - for a moment or two - hesitated to fall, and then did.

He glanced back to his observer again as more guns were brought up to the fore and Tommy got the "five" "five" finger signal. Ten seconds. Tommy's fingers closed on the launch handle. Nine seconds. He pricked up his ears. Eight seconds. Tension mounted, it was all Tommy could do to stop himself launching now. Seven seconds........... Six.......... Five.......... Four.......... Three. He raised his head glanced again towards his rear to see the men raising their guns to their shoulders...."Ready?"

Two seconds. "I'm ready!" exclaimed Tommy,through gritted teeth.

One second.............................. "Pull!!" came the barked order, and Tommy pulled. The skeet left its launcher and arced into the sky followed almost immediately by; Bang!... BANG!.... Bang!... the lead shot from the guns went tearing over his head to shatter the clay pot to smithereens.... "Pull!!"

This French round of the European Clay Pigeon Competition was just about in the bag.

Copyright: Anthony W. Allsop 2008

Suicide Bombers?

Last Saturday The Sun newspaper

carried a "News" report describing how Osama Bin Laden's terror group were being condemned for sending two Down's Syndrome women with bombs strapped to them into the crowded market places of downtown Baghdad. Their report then went on to describe them as Suicide Bombers.

Can anyone please tell me HOW these poor unfortunates can be described as "suicide bombers" when the report goes on to say: "They were mentally disabled."

A suicidee has to have a mind of his/her own when deciding to take his/her own life. How on Earth can these poor souls - by any stretch of the imagination - be described as suicide bombers when they are, quote: "mentally disabled"?

Down's sufferers are renowned for being the most trusting, gentle and loving of humans. If anything it is WE the "NORMAL" who are mentally deficient.

The cowardly terrorist plotters' even resorted to remotely detonating the bombs using mobile phones, and thus caused mass destruction of life whilst not being at any risk themselves, doesn't this vile act alone rather point to MURDER of these unfortunate women and the other innocents rather than SUICIDE?

These two women were NOT suicide bombers, they were SHORT RANGE GUIDED HUMAN MISSILES who'd been given a few shekels and new belts to do a bit of shopping..

I despair of humanity, sometimes.