Cat Chaos.

DEVIL CATS

Re: The declining bird population UK.

I read a report in the press that said: "....to encourage the bird population in Britain, we should allow our gardens to over grow a little."

But won't this measure help the CAT population to thrive too? It is estimated there are 10,000,000 cats in the UK (one cat per 6 residents).

Now if each cat is responsible for just one garden bird per week that means that a total of over half a BILLION birds succumb to cats per year.

So in effect, allowing the garden to overgrow will make the hunting of birds even easier for the devil cats.

So might I suggest that a law be passed that requires cats to be muzzled when let out to play, and maybe even to wear boxing gloves?

It has also dawned on me that the rapid and sustained increase in the rat population is proportionate to the drop in the garden-bird population and has little to do with unusual weather patterns, as suggested, but a lot to do with the popularity of the modern kitchen waste-disposal unit.

Whereas at one time our leftovers would be scraped into the bin or onto a bird table they are now minced up and flushed down the drain as ready meals for fat ratty and his chums, and the birds are having to go hungry.

It all begins to make sense.

Faith and Godalmighty

Faith.

This is a token of my faith in faith.

Just because I don't believe in God,
doesn't mean that I believe that others should not believe.

For I believe in faith.

I believe that believing can help many engender faith.

I also believe that my having no belief in God
doesn't belie me that faith.

Faith in God alone may get us through life,
but faith in our families,
friends and fellow man

- for me -

transcends that faith,

to better ease the pain.

If others' place gods higher than those three f's,
then so-be-it.

But if YOU were God would YOU want it any other way?

I doubt it,
believe me.

Anthony W Allsop 1940 – 20??

**********

Godalmighty

God almighty? Don't make me laugh. Whenever I have raised the pro-atheist-anti-god argument I have been slammed for:

"....not being educated enough to voice my opinions on such highfalutin matters." and:

"....that sort of reasoning should be best left to the upper echelon in society, judges, politicians, scholars and their like."

But, only a few hundred years ago, Witch Finder Generals' were appointed and tasked to organize witch hunts, find the old crones regarded as witches -

"Every old woman with a wrinkled face, a furrowed brow, a hairy lip, a gobber tooth, a squint eye, a squeaking voice or scolding tongue, having a rugged coat on her back, a skull-cap on her head, a spindle in her hand and a dog or cat by her side, is not only suspect but pronounced for a witch."

(John Gaule in "Select Cases of Conscience")

- in order to "try" them by various means, such as "ducking stool justice" (if they survived the ducking stool, i.e.: they didn't drown, ergo it proved them to be witches and they would then be burned at the stake).

These Witch Finders would have been appointed by the "upper echelon in society, judges, politicians, scholars etc." who were "best suited" to make such decisions.

And of course religion is dictated by such people. Witches, wizards, elves, fairies, ghosts, leprechauns, pixies, goblins AND gods, are all imaginary manifestations which have been vouched for by such "highfalutin" society.

Why can't modern people see that, manifestly. We've given the Witch Finder Generals' their marching orders, now what about our church leaders.

Extraterrestrial observers beyond the dark side of our moon must be shaking with laughter at we silly Earth people, seemingly obsessed with religion. They - with their far superior intellect - will have kicked gods into touch many eons ago. So too would we Earthlings, given half a chance.

Imagine for one moment that we discover intelligent life on another planet far away in our galaxy. It isn't too much of a stretch of our imagination, after all, we've been imagining far more ludicrous ethereal beings. They might well take the form of a large brained dolphin with arms, legs and three opposable digits on each limb.

Imagine conversing over the eons of space-time and ether with that intelligent life form and learning about its life history that draws many parallels with our own.

Imagine learning that despite them successfully forming a very advanced society - much BETTER than ours in many respects - that they have absolutely

NO concept of gods or religion. Do we gasp in amazement? Are they to then be regarded as inferior beings? Do we try to educate them to accept that there IS

GOD?, for that is what happens here on Earth, where incidentally, we are the only species that worships and pays homage to gods.

'That 'Other Life in The Universe?'

The 2007 discovery of an Earth like planet orbiting a star in our own galaxy - capable of supporting life - and ONLY 20.5 light years (120 trillion miles) distant was and is most uplifting, and might be of some interest to sci-fi buffs and space fanatics.

But don't let's get too fanciful. Even if we had a space-probe capable of travelling at an average speed of 1,000,000 mph it would take it 14 THOUSAND YEARS (approx) to reach the planet Gliese (named by Man) and in the interim of that journey, that probe will have probably been overtaken by many more, more advanced and faster probes.

So near and yet so, so far, but if the Glieseians on that planet exist and they know that we god worshippers do too, they may be thankful for that 20.5 light-year space moat.

If all religious faith was allowed to be shown up for the instilled rubbish it is without fear of prosecution and persecution, many more Earthlings would come to their senses and see gods and religions for what they are. BUNKUM!

NB. If you feel an instant need to question my sanity then look no further than Man's present inhumanity to Man in the name of or under the present worldwide belief in some fanciful God or other.

Sigmund Freud had religion sussed when he denounced it as infantile bunkum.

God didn't create Man. Man created God, in his own image of course.

If God IS responsible for the Grand Order of things, then why did he create the midge, mosquito and tsetse fly et al to flourish and then introduce Man hundreds of millions of years later to be plagued by them?

And if God created everything, why did he create the insidious diseases. He'd have to have been one mean, sick God. Maybe God is the propounded Devil incarnate.

It makes my heart bleed to read about the little children tortured in the name of "religion" for that is what cults like witchcraft and voodooism are that appear to demand mutilation of children's genitalia. The mutilation of male and female children. equates to a form of crucifixion to appease some god or other.

Similarly, the offering of sacrificial virgins etc. are all carried out in the name of some other such god.

In my opinion - and I'm in no way alone in my belief - religion has no part to play in the modern world. Superstition, witches, fairies, voodooism and gods et al, they are all by-products of overactive human imagination, programmed from birth to fear the unknown and the inexplicable.

From early childhood we're capable of summoning up convincing imaginary friends that sometimes take on form. This facility of the young underdeveloped brain also leads them to readily believe in the supernatural. They can be fooled quite easily into accepting "magic" performed by a stage magician rather than form judgments of their own. This innate ability of the human mind – for it to be assaulted and manipulated by others who hold sway in society, for gain - is what founded Man's diverse religious teachings.

Why is it that their "betters" think differently and are determined to perpetuate pious lies?

Why do they insist on choosing impressionable children to help perpetuate these lies?

When is this religious nonsense going to cease? There is NO god. There are NO gods. There has never been any gods. If you teach religion you are lying to the pupil. What sort of message does that send out. It is propaganda on a global scale and it's being carried out in ignorance of real truth because people just will not open their minds.

The reason that these lies are perpetuated is that no projected god or religion has any more power than its band of followers. The more supporters a religion has the more powerful its god is deemed to be.

Where you find strife in today's world you will discover that some religious factions are making capital out of it.

It is high time that ALL religions were shown up for the "Old Hat" that they really are and to be given the order of the boot by the people. I am positive that - should a referendum be held on this subject - many eyes would be raised at the outcome and those eyes wouldn't in truth be raised to any god.

Whilst reading a newspaper article: "Teachers axe God." I thought EUREKA! There is a god after all (irony) and the laws of blasphemy have finally been shown the door. I'd waited many a long year to see atheism, agnosticism and other realistic views discussed openly and in schools.

But don't let's go overboard here and risk turning these radical beliefs into another religion. I would hate to see agnosticism and atheism PREACHED as the alternative to faiths that so many people are comfortable with.

And I also "pray" that these proposed changes in our schools' religious studies and teachings are not hijacked by the pious who are all too biased in their own God fearing beliefs, nor to radicals intent on subversion. I certainly wouldn't go along with the tenet that the teaching of atheism to our young should be the order of the day.

I am an unbeliever, a self taught radical, a realist. But to teach atheism, or any sort of anti-religion in schools would be tantamount to turning fundamentalism on its head. The danger being that this non-belief could turn in on itself and create yet another fanatical religious movement, devised and installed by a few through themselves being all TOO enlightened.

I firmly believe that:-

No FORCED religious teaching should be conducted in our schools/colleges.

No form of secular brain washing of young and receptive minds conducted by the already brainwashed.

And NO persecution of ANYONE, whatever belief or non-belief they wish to choose to adopt, as long as it doesn't infringe upon the laws of the land or offend common decency.

Being an unbeliever does not make one a BAD person (see Faith).

During a debate (Ok, a talk in the pub) on atheism v theism I was asked; "Do you believe in Creation Theory or Evolution Theory?"

Straightaway, and without doubt, I plumped for Evolution.

"Then how do you explain how the Earth itself and all the rest of the universe came to be?" went the questioning.

Maybe he had a good point, but maybe he had naught. That stock question deserved the stock answer from me;

"If you're saying that there was once absolutely nothing; then who, or what, created the creator?"

"God" only hitched a ride on the wagon train of creation but now his followers' think that he should be wagon meister.

I'm not prepared here to enter into the world of meta and quantum physics or delve into the birth of the universe, or bang on about big bang theories and continual expansion or see-sawing of our dimension - I will stick to OUR world and the facts that evolutionists and other branches of science have put before us in an effort to explain that elusive inexplicable.

Here, for what it's worth, is my take on the creation recipe of life, from Earth-zero to Man:

It would take greater or lesser degrees of:- gravity + sunlight + shade + dark + temperature change + gasses + water + chemical reaction + pressure + calm + asteroid and meteorite impact + agitation + lightening + fire + chance selection + adaptation + necessity + natural selection + 6,000,000,000 (give or take) Earth-years of TIME and lots of loving to bring about:-

Evolution!

And - if need requires - you can to take the time element even further and multiply that figure of 6 billion Earth years by whatever figure you can ever imagine, for time is immeasurable. How can it be anything else?

So why DO otherwise intelligent people still believe in gods and their like?

I suppose it's a bit like asking why people continue to smoke. The answer to either is most likely to be HABIT closely followed by BLOODY MINDEDNESS. For religion went out with the ark and the use of tobacco products will doubtless follow.

Our Holy Scriptures were put together by mere mortals, not any god!

When one sits down to read the Old Testament, seemingly every nuance of life is there, every argument against atheism is there and almost every base to uphold belief in god is covered. I suppose this is the same with the Koran and also Chairman Mao's Little Red Book. Forgive the pun but if you do find a chink in the text of the Bible, that base also will be covered in later editions (if it isn't guarded already by the dread laws of BLASPHEMY!)

That bit in our constitution about freedom of speech and freedom of the press has got lost somewhere along the line. It wasn't me who first said: "...publish and be damned!" but it might well have been.

We atheists/realists, have suffered hard times at the hands of the pious throughout the ages. We have had threats of "eternal damnation" and "pits of fire and brimstone" shoved down our necks until we are sick.

Can't people, or won't people see that - because of the laws against blasphemy - the church's argument is just a little bit one sided?

Those expensively grand splendifferous places of worship were designed and built (built by the poorest in society) to gather congregations together for the collecting of protection money.

Monies from the masses for their protection by God. OR ELSE!

A pious theistic contributor (Reader's Digest) quotes: "......you don't find atheists doing great GOOD in the world.

" Eh!? What sort of statement is that? You also don't find atheists doing great BAD in the world.

When did you last see one band of atheists declare war on another band of slightly different atheists OR any other religious order? NEVER!

When have we witnessed an atheist war anywhere in the world? NEVER!

When did an atheist ever board a crowded airliner with a ticking bomb, a brand new box-cutter and a roll of duct tape in order to make a point? NEVER!

Tragedy will happen, but much as I can sympathize with the victims I am getting sick and tired of many of the fortunate survivors of accidents and the most terrible disasters, when interviewed, immediately thank God that he/she has spared them. What has their survival gotto do with God?

Imagine for one moment that a group of people are trapped on an upper floor of a blazing office block. Smoke and flames are all around and there is seemingly no chance of escape.

Among the unfortunates is a happily married man who has four young children at home who all attend church regularly and dutifully say their prayers every night before getting into bed.

There are also three women who are all working to support their families who are also good, kind and God fearing.

There is one man, a sneak thief, who is there to see what he might steal. He beats his wife and abuses children and who, incidentally, has never set foot in church other than to steal the offertory money, strip the roof of lead or steal the candlesticks.

Yet another of the trapped and panicking has devoted the whole of his working life to the Church while at the same time always looking after the less fortunate in society.

Naturally all the trapped people are praying like mad for divine intervention but who is their god going to choose to save?

You've guessed it. It is just as likely that when the abominable sneak thief's bloodied body is pulled out of the rubble, the only one to survive and barely alive, he'll be heard thanking God that he listened to HIS prayers.

Now pardon me but what about all the other more deserving or at the very least equally deserving souls who God allowed to perish? Weren't they praying hard enough? But religion has this base covered too. The cry goes up:

"THEY'VE GONE TO A BETTER PLACE"

I could be one of those trapped in the office block. I'm a happily married family man. My wife for almost half a century and I have four grown up children. They are all happily married and have borne us twelve grandchildren who we adore and now one of those many grandchildren has a child of his own.

I am full of love for my fellow man and couldn't commit serious crime if my life depended on it. So I COULDN'T go to a "better place."

God!? God has no place in my life. God doesn't exist and I wouldn't give him her or it, the time of day. I have cancer, but I wouldn't pray to God to cure it. After all, he/she or it could well have created that cancer in the first place.

Or would that odious task have been left to a sidekick. By the way, I contracted the big C long after I'd sussed that gods aren't all that they are cracked up to be, so maybe it could be down to godly spite. Though that wouldn't explain why many pious churchgoers and god fearers contract life shortening and horrific diseases and meet otherwise untimely death.

God has never existed except in the minds of humankind. It is a confidence trick that has continued to be helped along, perpetuated by; the faithful but misguided, the idiotic, the terminally pious and the outdated laws on blasphemy that stifles general debate and won't allow free thinking realists to air their views in public.

THE EPILOGUE

Differing religions are behind most of the wars and unrest in the world. Almost every war that has ever been fought has religious undertones. Whether it be Catholic against Protestant, Muslim against Hebrew, Buddhist against Hindu or what have you.

Religion isn't for the realist, realists are able to SEE through their own eyes and THINK with their own untainted or freshly rinsed brains.

Believers can believe - if they want to believe - that there is an afterlife much greater than this one and if they manage to get some comfort out of it then so-be-it.

But life isn't like Test Cricket! There will be neither a second innings nor vestal virgins aplenty, so you had better be prepared to play a straight bat, stay around for as long as you can and hit as many runs as the bowlers will allow in this innings 'cos when the umpire points that finger heavenwards, it's going to be one hell of a walk back to the pavilion.

THE END (Or is it?) Anthony W Allsop 1940 – 20??

There's more eye-opening truth @ : http://www.geoffmather.co.uk/8.html so be sure to read on.

A princely son.

The Prince and the poor poor.

Once upon a time there lived a handsome(ish) prince.

*

He was born in a palace and lived in a lavish ivory tower surrounded by untold riches and lacked for nothing, 'cept maybe a little paternal love.

*

But despite being cosseted from birth he couldn't resist putting his boldly incompetent oar in.

*

Oft times, this unbounded ignorance of his caused him to catch the metaphorical crab.

*

The latest was knocking the education system of his mother's kingdom and castigating the young for having aspirations that HE felt were far beyond there ken.

*

He once confessed to having aspirations above his station,

something about being a lady's sanitary product.

*

On yet another occasion,

he allowed us to learn that he loved talking to plants.

*

And then there was the time that he met

- and almost fell in love with -

a beautiful princess.

*

They married and she brought forth two handsome sons.

They all lived happily....?

*

Then one day he felt compelled to venture a broad and lay the dragon.

*

From that day on the handsome(ish) prince fell from public favour and the favour of any other right thinking persons.

*

It seemed that no matter how he strolled,

hand in pocket of double-breasted lounge suit, hand out of pocket of double-breasted lounge suit or togged out in battledress,

he just failed to impress.

*

No one of any note could afford to be seen taking the idiot prince's views seriously so most just laughed him off as a joke.

Like father, like son.

*

Just ignore the sad old farts and they might somehow get the message.

*

The End

Gas abuse, not to be sniffed at.

Butane Gas Abuse.

Are parents and the authorities aware that children have ready and handy access to a means of fueling their butane sniffing addiction?

Disposable gas lighters can be freely obtained at prices as low as twenty for a pound. The abuser simply disables the striking mechanism, pokes the thing up his/her nose, presses the plunger and Voila! instant high, or low, depending on your point of view - if such views are possible with their remaining brain cells.

Walking around the public parks these innocent looking empty shells (I'm talking about the disfigured and discarded lighters here, not the abusers') can be seen dotted about the place.

Just how many lives have been wrecked up to now?

It would appear that cigarettes themselves aren't the only danger to our health that smoking represents.

And here's another valuable point regarding these disposable lighters:

Please make sure that "empty" ones are disposed of properly. Many is the time that I've picked one up to find it is in perfect working order with some fuel still in it. If I can pick up a working lighter, so can a child. It's no wonder that arson resulting in dangerous and costly fires is on the increase.

Is swearing necessary?

Effin 'n Blindin.

The following foulmouthed tirade was recently overheard in my local pub when someone was criticised for swearing and upsetting other clients and asked, politely, to leave:

"What the f..k are you f..king people on about? I don't f..king reckon that I f..king swear all that f..king much. And as for me not being able to f..king express my f..king self without f..king swearing all the time, of course I f..king can. It's just that f..king swearing proves to my f..king mates that I am just as f..king hard as what they f..king are, that I am no f..king limp wristed wa.ker and you shouldn't even think of f..king taking on.

"I'm f..king hard I am and the f..king girls just love it, don't they!? If I had my f..king way I would put swearing on the f..king school curriculum but I can't see them c..ts on the twa..ing school boards even f..king considering it. W..kers!" End of tirade.

But why DO people feel that they have a need to swear in order to express themselves? Is it a lack of learning? A failure on their part to grasp the fundamentals of their native language perhaps? Or is it just to give the perpetrator's thinking time between more expressive modes of conversation?

I have need to ask 'cos I find such bad offensive language cropping up on the internet everyday (that would appear to rule out the thinking time element of my reasoned approach to expression).

Is it any wonder that swearing is getting more and more common amongst our young today. And WOMEN!? In my day one never swore in the presence of the young or females, but nowadays, women are sometimes worse than the men!

My advice is: If you can't talk or write without using bad language unnecessarily, then, like the great bard himself, don't write or say anything.

Spare the cuff, create a brat.

A clip in time saved mine.

I'm father of four daughters, granddad to twelve kids and great-granddad to another.

None of them have been in any sort of trouble with the law and none have been spared a timely slap (except perhaps the youngest who's not yet three).

They are all great kids who live happy, fulfilled and balanced lives free of drugs, crime and guilt.

When I was growing up I also knew where the boundaries were and I knew that if I crossed those boundaries I could expect a clip round the ear or a caning. I didn't transgress either. And I truly appreciated knowing just how far I could go.

If I did do something wrong and my parents found out but they allowed me to get away without a slap they actually went DOWN in my estimation and respect.

Kids appreciate knowing their boundaries. Stopping a child's pocket money is no punishment. If deprived of money they might be tempted to get what they want by other means.

To send a child up to his room is no punishment - as a child I found such solitude a great comfort - while talking sharply to a child means absolutely nothing if you haven't the will or the intention of backing it up with a slap now and again. Worse still is when the child KNOWS that you dare not lay a finger on him.

The daftest thing that any government can do is remove the natural domination of children from their parents and teachers.

I am not advocating systematic bullying of children or condoning any sort of physical abuse. All I want to see is a return to the age old corporal punishment in order to keep kids to the right path.

"Seeing" cars.

"SEEING" CARS?

Can we really have cars that "see" using infra-red detection systems and GPS?

I think not, not if my infra-red alarm system and my infra-red outside floodlighting systems are anything to go by.

We've lost count of the number of false alarms that we have had since the installation of these systems.

If it isn't the cat setting them off or a hedgehog it's the wind or waving trees or even a spider or a bird.

I can see the damn air bag exploding and the brakes being applied at the slightest provocation. As for the reliability of GPS, don't even go there. Mine STILL insists on trying to take me along a local foot and cycle track. I keep telling her to SOD OFF! But she will insist so.

Some aid to road safety they will be.

There's more chance of developing a functioning time-travel machine or finding a reasonable excuse for invading Iraq than making foolproof "seeing" cars.

I don't get nun.

Some Mothers' do have 'em

A young nun went to see her Mother Superior:

"I was out walking in the woods last night and the gamekeeper took hold of me, threw me to the ground and had his wicked way with me......can you give me penance?"

"Go and eat four lemons," said the Mother Superior curtly, "and swill those lemons down with a chalice of vinegar."

"Will that cleans my sins away?" asked the young nun.

"Probably not," said Mother Superior, "but at least it'll wipe that smug, contented smirk off your face!"

Anon

Motorway Driving.

Motorway Lane Hogging UK style.

Just what constitutes lane hogging on a 70mph limit 3 lane motorway?

I'm in my car on the motorway, travelling along in the centre lane at the regulation 70-75 mph and keeping the regulation two seconds gap behind the vehicle in front who is also keeping to the speed limit and at a safe distance behind the car in front of him and so on down the line.

The slow inside lane - made up mostly of heavy goods vehicles - is progressing at the regulation 60-65 mph and all is well with the world.

In the third lane, the outside fast lane, traffic is going at a slightly illegal rate of 75+mph but by and large nobody is bothered much.

We are all quite happy with our lot, making speedy, safe progress.

We are all happy souls making our separate ways, going about our separate lives blissfully. And then, in my rearview mirror I spot the fly in the ointment.

He (it's usually a he) is within a yard of my bumper, tailgating at 73mph.

Now if he was so minded he could pull over into the third lane, the fast lane and speed past but no, he insists on riding my rear bumper.

Am I a lane hogger? Is the car in front of me lane hogging?

He then flashes his lights. Do I ignore him and risk compounding the issue?

No. I notice that on my left in the slow inside lane there is a wider gap than the regulation two seconds between the heavy vehicles so I signal and without slowing I pull into the gap.

The guy that was behind me in the centre lane accelerates past and up to the next vehicle, presumably to repeat the process.

I, meanwhile, becos I'm doing the regulation 70mph, am rapidly approaching a lorry in the slow lane which is keeping to its regulation speed of 60mph. I check my mirrors, signal and pull back into the centre lane causing the centre lane to adjust speed slightly to accomodate me.

This slight slowing down effect - transmitted down the line of traffic for some considerable distance - is magnified and in some cases causes traffic "concertinaring" and even the odd braking manouvre.

This is what causes the "yo-yo effect" of traffic often mysteriously encounted on motorways. Our "road hog" is still tailgating the other car down the line.

I have been driving for something like fifty years so I must have learnt a wrinkle or two regarding motorway etiquette.

The first rule is; don't race, keep a steady and reasonable pace and a respectful gap.

The second rule is; don't hog the overtaking (outside lane) and keep a safe distance from the car ahead.

And the third rule is; abide by the two second rule (double it in dicey conditions) and thus keep a safer distance from the vehicle in front.

Mind how you go.

Telephone Preference Service.

Telephone Preference Service.

Dear Telephone Preference Service

Would you please enrol me in your service and put a bar on my phone to telesales 'cos I don't want any double glazing or a new kitchen. I am satisfied with my phone provider, my gas supplier and my electricity bills. I do not need a new mobile phone even if it is free, or a faster broadband speed.

I carry enough insurance to pay off the national debt of a small country and I do not carry a credit card and neither do I want to, and charity begins at home.

Furthermore I am fed up to the back teeth with answering the phone only to have the line go dead on me and I can only speak English so I find it difficult holding conversation in Punjabi, Pakistani or even Glaswegian.

So please Telephone Preference Service, please enrol me in your call barring scheme.

Disgruntled telephone user.

Kiddie Porn Surfers.

Kiddie Porn Explosion.

When our newspapers published those worrying figures about the 400,000+ hits per day on child porn sites, I couldn't help but feel shocked. Especially in the aftermath of all the scandals that have been in the news of late along with the police clamp down on such activity.

But when I also learn that more than half of our children are accessing porn sites on their computers it suddenly dawned on me that the previous reports of a rise in visits to child porn sites may be accounted for by the increase in children's basic curiosity and their thirst for such imagery.

I speak from experience as a grandfather, father and child. The; "You show me yours and I'll show you mine." philosophy amongst the young has been around since the dawn of pre-pubescence and alongside tentative investigational sex. How many of us succumbed to the furtive acquisition and stashing of such magazines as Spick 'n Span and H&E.

The Web is merely a modern day extension of this behaviour. Children will access this sort of material on any a number of levels which include: curiosity, titillation, daring do and peer pressure.

Some of the content will disgust and shock them as it does most adults but it is what healthy kids crave. Whether such experiences will leave the young porn surfers' with any lasting damage is debatable, only time will tell.

The TV repair man cometh.

Those much maligned warranties.

There is a rumble in the jungle about the value in taking out extended warranties on newly purchased household goods.

Now normally I would agree that many are a waste of money but sometimes it can be very beneficial.

I purchased a wide screen TV from a local dealer and was offered the shop's extended warranty deal. I turned it down flat as I don't like this sort of thing pushed on me at point of sale.

The salesman accepted my reticence while telling me that he would give me the paperwork for the offer and I could peruse it at my leisure at home.

I took it home and I did read it and in cold light it looked too good to resist so for a few extra quid I took up a three year insurance plan.

We'd had the set about 18 months when it went on the blink. Here is my report:-

15.25 hrs. Set goes on blink.

15.29 hrs. I ring insurers. They say they have an engineer working in our area in the next village and inform me they will ring him and get him to call round just as soon as he possibly can.

15.30 hrs. I put the kettle on for a cuppa.

15.32 hrs. Kettle boiling and I'm just filling teapot when doorbell rings. I answer door to TV engineer!

15.41 hrs. Engineer has repaired set (dry joint) and is putting his tools back in the van.

The tea has just about mashed.

We still have the best part of eighteen months of the warranty left to run but even now I am thinking of extending it yet again. If only to see if they can beat that breakdown to repaired time of 12 minutes!

Demon of drink.

A Legless Paddy.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy!"

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

"Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked." he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says; "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it!" and falls into bed.

The next morning his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess, I did. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub again!"

Anon.

Very touching.

Too busy for a Friend...

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper,

leaving a space between each name.

+
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about

each of their classmates and write it down.
+

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment,

and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.
+

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

+
On Monday she gave each student his or her list.

+

Before long, the entire class was smiling.

+

"Really?" she heard whispered,

"I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!"

and,

"I didn't know others liked me so much,"

were most of the comments.

+
No one ever mentioned those papers in class again.

+

She never knew if they discussed them after class or

with their parents, but it didn't matter.

The exercise had accomplished its purpose.

The students were happy with themselves and with one another.

That group of students moved on.

+
Several years later, one of the students was killed in
Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student.

+

She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before.

He looked so handsome, so mature.

+
The church was packed with his friends.

One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin.

+

The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

+
As she stood there,

one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her.

"Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked.

She nodded: "yes."

Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot."

+
After the funeral,

most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon.

Mark's mother and father were there,

obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

+
"We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket.

"They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it."

+
Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times.

+

The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates

had said about him.

+
"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said.

"As you can see, Mark treasured it."

+
All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around.

Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said,

"I still have my list.

It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."

+
Chuck's wife said,

"Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."

+
"I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary"

+
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook,

took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists"

+
That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried.

She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

+
The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day.

And we don't know when that one day will be.

+
So please,

tell the people you love and care for,

that they are special and important.

Tell them, before it is too late.

+
One Way To Accomplish This Is:

Forward this message on!

If you do not send it,

you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to do something nice and beautiful.

+
If you've received this, it is because someone cares for you,

and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care.

+
If you're "too busy"

to take those few minutes right now to forward this message on,

would this be the VERY first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?

+
The more people that you send this to,the better.

+

You'll be at reaching out to those you care about.

+
Remember, you reap what you sow.

What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.

Ink-Pinky Parlez Vous.

Printo - not so Pronto.

I'd just finished tapping out a letter on my word processor and asked it to print out.

It wouldn't print. I got the message: OUT OF INK!

So I jumped into the car and nipped down to my local computer super-shed to get a replacement cartridge. On reaching the racks of printer cartridges I was confronted by a veritable wall of them.

I knew the make of my printer and so that narrowed the search to a batch of about a hundred or so. So I then searched through that lot for my model number.

Oh what a lot of fun I had. Some of them only cost an arm and a leg. Others are priced at only half that but still more than my printer cost originally.

After about ten minutes of this fun and still cartridge-less, I approached a wandering assistant and gave him the details.

His eyes rolled heavenwards and, with a very deep sigh, he condescended and offered to give me benefit of his valuable assistance.

Together we scanned the racks seeking out the required ink container.

It was a fruitless search. He suggested that maybe my printer was too old and that the supplier had pulled the plug on my particular ink cartridge.

PULLED THE BLOODY PLUG!? My printer isn't that old! OK so I have to sharpen it's little chisels now and again and clean the sand out of the tablet feeder, but it was working perfectly when I penultimately used it.

He suggested that I buy a refill kit and fill the bottles myself. And this I did. The refill cost only half a leg.

Back home I followed the lengthy filling instructions to the letter, which included entering various details such as warranty numbers, date purchased and inside leg measurement etc.

I waited the required length of time before turning on my printer and having another bash at printing out. There was a bit of huffing and puffing from the beast, a bit more whirring and then - along with a crude iconic depiction of a crossed out ink cartridge - the message;

THIS IS NOT A GENUINE PART!!

I clicked on the Eh!? icon and it said something along the lines of;

IF YOU PERSIST IN USING NONE STANDARD INKS, YOU STUPID MORON, I WILL REFUSE TO EVER WORK AGAIN!!!

So I switched off and slunk back to the shop.

The helpful assistant informed me that if the cartridge was "chipped" then the "chip" would have to be re-programmed.

My inbuilt Eh!? icon blinked. Could he do it for me, I asked.

No, he said. And as if to qualify his rebuff he came out with:-

"We only deal with CANONEPSOLEXMARKONHP and they wouldn't take kindly to us doing it."

Now I may be being a little naive here but why can't printer cartridges be standardised somewhat on the same lines as AA batteries?

Is there anything wrong with the notion that printers could then be designed around this Standard?

And why should I be forced into throwing away a perfectly good ink receptacle and thus add more crap to the crap mountain when it could be used again and again with just a few pence worth of refill ink (we used glass inkwells at school with Queen Victoria's image on the bottom. I was an ink monitor. Naaaar!), thus not contributing to the ever growing trash mountain?

Save the planet? Bah!

Smoke gets in my eyes.

The welcome smoking ban.

People still infer that it is her/his human right to smoke in public places.

Well,as a none-smoker, what about my human rights, my freedom of choice?

I packed up smoking at the age of fourteen some fifty years ago. I saw the sense in not carrying on with the filthy habit even at that tender age. Before the welcome ciggy ban I'd be sat in my local having a quiet pie and a pint, when a group would come in and occupy a table close by.

They all immediately feel the need to light up and pollute the atmosphere with that dread stench of tobacco smoke.

Where were my human rights?

Where was my freedom of choice?

I'll tell you where it was. It was going up in smoke!

Smoking in public places was/is as much a filthy habit as picking one's nose in public or playing trouser billiards. Where is freedom of choice if I have to enter my home smelling like an over used ashtray and thus impregnate the rest of my wardrobe with the smell of old dog ends and filthy ashtrays? It made me wonder why I bothered packing it in all those years ago.

I'd much rather my clothes smell of cherry blossom, thank you.

CHEERS!

Bashful bladder syndrome.

A wee problem.

Shy Bladder Syndrome is not a joke. It is a serious nervous condition. I have suffered this embarassing syndrome since leaving school in 1955 (where I was always happy to join in the "Let's see who can p**s highest up the wall" competition) so it has been with me for quite a while.

It has nothing to do with the size of a guy's tackle, as is often thought. I'm about average myself. It is more to do with a reflex action that doesn't allow the sufferer to easily start a stream if anyone is stood close to them. It's akin to the stammer that others suffer from.

However - speaking for myself - once I have started a stream it wouldn't matter if the whole of the Coldstream Guard was breathing down my neck, I would be quite happy to carry on peeing for Queen and Country. I could even pee on Anold Schwarzenegger's boots once I've got a flow going.

So don't take the pee out of we. A sufferer can't even seek the advice of a good plumber. I just wish it was that simple.

Uri Naight.

Thank God!

Thank God!

I entered my teenage daughter's bedroom and spotted a handwritten note on the bed. With the worst of premonitions and hands all of a tremble, I read it:

Dear Mum and Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm letting you know that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I have found real passion and he is so nice, with his studded leathers and all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But its not only that mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the woods. Although his children from his troubled marriage don't approve he wants to have many more children with me and that's my dream too.

I've also learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and for his all of his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the cure for AIDS, so that Ahmed can get better. He deserves it. Don't worry mum, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Take care.

Love Jenna xxx

PS: Mum, none of this is true! I'm round next door at Sue's. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my school report which is under my pillow.........I love you!!!

Anon

A Class Act

A Class Act.

The class were hearing about whales. The teacher said that it was impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it's throat was only built to take small fish and krill.

A little girl begged to differ, saying that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"


The Kindergarten teacher was supervising her class of children drawing. She observed one little girl who was really wrapped up in her work. She asked of the child what it was that she was drawing.

"It is a picture of God" she replied.

The teacher thought for a moment and then said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without pausing in her work the little girl explained, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments to a group of children. After explaining the commandment "honour" thy Father and Mother, she asked,

"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

The children thought for a minute and then a little boy stood up and proffered, "Thou shalt not kill....?"


One day a little girl sat watching her mother doing the dishes at the sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several white hairs on her temples that stood out from her normal dark hair.

"Why is some of your hair white mummy?" she asked inquisitively.

Her mother answered the child. "Well my darling, every time I do something wrong, bad or sinful, one of my hairs turn white.

"The little girl pondered for a moment and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hair is white?"

The children had all had their school photograph taken as a group and the teacher was trying to persuade them to purchase copies.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at when you are older and grown up" she said, "..you'll be able to point to each one and say, there's Tommy, he's a lawyer. There's Romina, she's a banker or a travel agent and things like that."

A small voice from the back piped up with "...And there's teacher, she's dead!"


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of the local elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

A nun wrote out this sign and placed it on the apples:

PLEASE, only take ONE.

God is watching.

Moving further along the line, at the other end of the table was a plate full of cream cakes, chocolate sponge and marshmallows.

A child had also posted a note:

Take all you want.

God is busy watching the apples.

I found a body.

I found a body. A true story.

It was a fine springlike winter’s day as I walked my dog through our local beauty spot.

From my vantage point - a little way above and alongside a stream with woods beyond - I could see, amongst the leaf bereft trees and partially covered in bracken, what appeared to be the body of a young child dressed in green anorak, green trousers and yellow boots.

It did cross my mind that it might be an old Guy Fawkes dummy left to dupe the unwary but I thought that I'd better investigate just in case it wasn't.

As the water was a little too deep at that point I had to walk a little further upstream before I could cross safely and then make my way back through the undergrowth to the body. As I closed in on it and had it in view, I still wasn't sure whether or not it was a body, but it certainly still gave me that impression.

Even up close and looking down on it I wasn’t sure. But just in case it could turn out to be a crime scene, I gingerly lifted it with my walking stick hooked inside the hood. It was as heavy as a young child but closer inspection of its flat blank face proved it to be a sort of doll like dummy.

Feeling both relieved and sort of disappointed at the same time and not wishing to leave it there to dupe other passers-by, I decided to move it and so started to drag it to a bridge a little further upstream.

I’d managed to make about fifty yards or so when at that point I noticed two men in uniform walking towards me on the other bank of the stream. My God, I thought, POLICE! This could be more serious than I reckoned on.

I heard the chatter of walkie-talkies which added to my concern. And then I saw them properly and realized that they were firemen. The leader, a Captain Mainwaring type, called out to me; “...where are you going with that?” and; “...put that f*****g body back!”

Apparently they were undergoing an exercise. The two firemen crossed the stream and abruptly took charge of the situation, dragging the “corpse” back to where I’d found it.

My dog and I carried on with our walk and a little further upstream - just out of sight around a bend - stood a big red fire engine complete with crew of about a dozen giggling firemen.

I made sheepish tracks home and, as this had been the second false alarm I’d suffered when discovering “dead bodies”, I silently vowed never to check on a “body” ever again.

That first time? Well I was walking along this beach when I spotted what I took to be a body floating just out to sea.........................(but that’s another story).