Sunday, 24 September 2017

The Second Coming. (Maybe)

"The Second Coming. (maybe)"

As a realist/atheist I do not deny that a man called Jesus existed in history. However as a realist/atheist I have to deny that man Jesus the position of being the son of god.

I've heard that "The Second Coming" is imminent.

I can just see it now:

Scene 1. Bedroom of a mid-terrace two up two down in the Midlands UK

Nurse: Push!.... Push!

Marline: I'm f*****g pushing dammit!

Midwife: Push! Just a little more. Push..

Marline: Aaaaaaaaaaagh!

Midwife: Nearly there, I can see the head! Push!

Marline: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Fffffffffffuu.........ck!

Midwife: Here he comes.........

Baby: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! ... Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Sheep: Baaaaaaaaaa!

Midwife: Who let that bloody sheep in here! Get it out!

Sheep: Baaaaaaaaaa!

1st Wise man (package in hand): I bring gif.......

Midwife and Marline in unison: P**s off and take that damn sheep with you!

2nd Wise man (proffering a wrapped package): B-b-b-but we have travelled afar and..!

Midwife: I don't care how far you've come, f**k off and take that daft bottle of scent back to BOOTS!

3rd Wise man: Well! Really! Don't you know who's this child is?

Marline: What's it do with you you, toss-pot?

Joe (Marline's partner): Hey, it's got red hair!

Marline: Well... er... what if he has?

Joe: I ain't got red hair! You ain't got red hair!

Marline's second cousin, Jerome "Ginger" Adair, is listening at the door. Seconds later he's heard out in the street trying to kick-start his ageing motorbike.

Marline: More gas, nurse!!

Midwife: You've had the baby, you shouldn't need anymore ga...

Marline: Gasssssss!!!

Midwife clamps the mask over Marline's face.

Joe: He's got red hair!

Sounds off (subdued): Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Sounds off: motorbike bursting into loud life and roaring off down the street.
Midwife: Have you thought of a name?

Marline: I think I'll call him Jeremy.



Scene 2. It's six years later. In the dingy back-street, small boys are playing.


Jeremy: I am the son of God!

Tom: No you ain't, you tosser.


Jeremy: I am.

Dick: No you ain't, Jez Mitchell, you is a pillock.


Jeremy: I am the second coming of the lord thy saviour.

Tom: P**s off! I'm gonna tell your mum on you.

Tom walks the short distance to 
Jeremy's Mum's mid-terraced house and knocks on the door.

It opens.


Marline: Yes?

Tom: Mrs Mitchell, your Jez is spoiling our game. He keeps saying he's the son of God or somethink.

Marline (angry): I'll give him son of God. He's been full of these silly ideas since his dad buggered off and left me.

(She calls loudly into the street): 
Jeremy!!!

Jeremy: Yes mother?

Marline: 
Jeremy...., take that silly sheet from around your head and play nice. You'll be coming in for your tea in a minute.

Jeremy: Aw mum, do I have to? My people need me.

Marline: I'll give you "my people need me" when I get you in here!!

Dick: Told yer! You're a crazy git Jez Mitchell.



Scene 3. Ten years later. Inside a Super-Store at night with some shelf-stackers at work.

Sam (the overseer): We need more Fairy washing up liquid on aisle fourteen, Brad. Make sure it's full to overflowing. Then take a load of those bog-of frozen chickens and stock up the end chest in aisle 6.

Brad: Why is it always ME that has to handle the frozen stuff? My fingers are like ferkin ice. Can't Jez do it?

Sam: I've been trying to find Jez for the past hour, he seems to have disappeared.

Brad: He's always doing that, disappearing. One minute he's there and the next minute... Puff, he's gone.

Sounds off. Puff!! 
Jeremy walks from between the stacked Cornflakes.

Jeremy: You seek me and am here.

Brad: Where the 'ell 'ave you been? We're short 'anded as it is! Giz us a lift wi these frozen chickens, will yer.

Sam: Aye, give 'im an 'and, Jez. We ain't gorrall neet you idle bugger.


Jeremy: The Lord works in mysterious ways.. his wonders to perform.

Sam: Well he ain't the only one and you ain't no lord, so get your bloody finger out.

Brad: And take that silly towel off your head.

......to be continued (maybe)

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Mansfield, United Kingdom
I am over 69. Up to a couple of years ago I'd have described myself as fit and decisive. Now I'm not so sure. I am into DIY. If my wife asks me to do something I say; "Do It Yourself".....Click on my Older Posts for more reading. Or try: http://www.chrisbeach.co.uk/viewQuotes.php