Saturday 29 March 2008

Lasers.

I have not one but TWO small items of news to regale you with today:

The first is:

Allies’ Jet Laser Can Melt Tank!

Allies in the War on Terror now have a new and astonishing weapon at their disposal - a laser cannon that can melt a tank at FIVE MILES distance!! Well - Whoop-D-Doop!

This weapon, The Advanced Tactical Laser, mounted on an aircraft, heats targets to thousands of degrees centigrade in milliseconds (lets all hope that those "friendly fire" incidents are all in the past).

The first model will fly within months of the imminent completion of two years of top-secret testing. It is the first laser of this intensity to be attached to a plane.

Gunners using the laser cannon, lock onto the target(s) with a camera and then adjust the strength, fire-rate and width of the beam accordingly. Boeing, which won the US Department of Defence contract, installed the £100,000,000 ($200,000,000) prototype into a C-130 plane at the Kirtland Air Force Base in New Mexico last December. The maiden flight will take place soon.

It can fire a four inch (10cm) ray over nine miles at the speed of light to slice metal or puncture tyres. Or it can be set to a broader beam of 20 inch (50cm) in order to encompass several targets in rapid succession ( please, please, make doubly sure that "friendly fire" incidents are all in the past!).

The Pentagon plans to use the new weapon on targets where it is important to avoid collateral damage.An independent security source says: "This new "point weapon" is great news. When ordinary bombs are dropped on targets from aircraft it is difficult to avoid collateral damage and you cannot guarantee a direct hit. But with these lasers it is a true straight line so once you have it in sight and you are on target, away you go. Lasers have been used for years but this will save a lot of time."

On reflection it may also save a lot of innocent lives, I say.

Speaking of reflection. Have they thought about that low tech form of defence, the mirror?

The second is:

Brewing A Droop!

A woman who drugged her 64 year old husband with a home-made impotency potion to stop him having an affair with his 29 year old mistress, was jailed for two months.

His wife, 59 year old Jadwiga Czerniakowski of Lodz, Poland, used a secret formula that had been handed down through generations ’cos she said that his brain had dropped into his pants!

Her husband, Stanislaw, said last night: " I have no hard feelings."

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I am over 79. Up to a couple of years ago I'd have described myself as fit and decisive. Now I'm not so sure. I am into DIY. If my wife asks me to do something I say; "Do It Yourself".....Click on my Older Posts for more reading. Or try: http://www.chrisbeach.co.uk/viewQuotes.php