Gillette bring out the new Supa-Dupa razor with 39 blades that are guaranteed to get rid of every hair. All those blades to whisk away the whiskers plus a row of tiny titanium hammers that are designed to flatten any stubborn bristle that's left.
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Heterosexuals throughout the world are complaining that they are being picked on, laughed at and generally discriminated against in both the work-place and public. "We need fair treatment and should not be vilified or made fun of for being straight." said one quite butch looking navvy as he sat sipping a glass of bitter lemon and spritzer in his local wine bar.
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The war against terrorism in Afghanistan and Iraq is almost at an end.
An Iraq military leader said last night; "Our nine remaining al-Qaeda fighters have promised to cease terrorism if the remaining 350,000 peace-keeping forces pull out." Taliban supremo Osama Bin Laden - appearing on national television in digitised form - formally agreed. Friends and associates swear that it really, really is him.
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DAZ have marketed a soap powder that washes whites so bright that they issue a free pair of welding goggles with every Family Size box purchased.
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Ford have brought out an electric car that does over 10,000 miles per charge. Performance figures of 0 to 20 in 133.7 seconds and 20 mph top speed could be better. Ford say that if they can get the battery size down a little from the present six and a half tonne, performance might be expected to improve.
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Accrington Stanley FC.
After celebrating their thirteenth consecutive FA Cup win their manager said: "If we could only break out of the second division, we might well do well in Europe too."
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Now that TV's can receive well over 12,000 channels and televised sport is on 24 – 7, calls are being made for the working day to be reduced from 5 hours to 3 ½ hours. Employment Secretary, Sir Peter Doherty said:
"Iggleuggle nip nip nip frooozlebong....with the pensioners being paid £35.62 per fortnight we cannot afford to cut the working day to 3 ½ hours. We have to sit round the negotiating tab......... frinkigdooglitra mbostwwekledom............le again.
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TV's 'Celebrity Big Brother Get-Me-Outa-Here-Before-I-Throw-Up-All- Over-You' (number 54) is into its 49th week this week.
"It's the best yet." said Queen Camilla. "Watching Charles tucking into that puréed Big Mac was absolutely fabtastic!"
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Poland has blockaded its borders in an effort to keep British Illegals from entering. A spokesperson said: "We have enough bloody work-shy idiots and criminals of our own without importing more of the same. Bugger off and try Bulgaria!"
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Nutrition experts now say that saturated fat is good for you: "Eat-A-Pound-O'Lard-A-Day" is to be launched as the new slogan by Satchi and Satchi aimed at reducing the fat mountain.
"We can't have all this blubber going to waste when it should be going to waist." Said a government spokesperson with aspirations of becoming a comedian.
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