OK to bash that burglar.

According to my paper today (20th December 2007)

have-a-go-heroes will soon be able to defend themselves against thugs and burglars. Our Home Secretary, Jack Straw has pledged that people who use “reasonable force” to subdue an attacker or a trespasser in their property should be allowed to do so without fear prosecution.

He is proposing reforms to present laws that will protect people from prosecution if it is evident that they acted “instinctively” when fearing that their life, of the lives of others' were in danger and they did not use force that was “excessive” or “disproportionate”.

Mr Straw said: “Law-abiding citizens should not be put off tackling criminals through fear of excessive investigation.”

SCENE 1 Bedroom.

Wife: Jack! Jack!

Jack: (sleepily) Wah?

Wife: (hushed whisper) I think someone is in the house!

Jack: (sleepily) Wah?

Wife: I think there's somebody downstairs.

Jack: Oh for pete's sake. Go back to sleep.

Wife: There is someone, I can hear pots rattling.

They both strain to hear any strange sounds. Jack hears something himself and reaches for the length of lead piping that he keeps by the bed.

Jack: Shssssh! I'll go and see.

Wife: Be careful, Jack.

Jack: (making his way barefoot down the stairs) Is anybody there?

There's a sound of breaking glass and Jack is confronted by a man in a mask in the hall. He rushes at Jack but trips over the outstretched cat and falls at Jack's feet.

Cat: Wheeeeeowpsssst!

Intruder: Whap th phuk.

Jack: (Instinctively clouting him on the head with the lead piping) Take that, bastard!

Intruder: Ouch!

Jack: Oo! I'm sorry. Did that hurt?

Intruder: It did actually. But I have felt worse.

Thwack! Jack clouts him on the head again.

Intruder: Ow! Stop that at once else I'll report you t't police.

Jack: You'll report me t't police. Why?

Intruder: You just hit me again.

Jack: So what?

Intruder: You hit me again and that time it wasn't instinctive!

Jack: But would you say that it was excessive?

Intruder: No, but... (thwack)...hey!...(thwack)...Stop it...(thwack)..it's getting excessive now.

Jack: Oh. Sorry! I didn't realise that I was getting a little unreasonable.

Intruder: Well you should have. You should know when to stop.

Jack: Why should I? I've never hit a burglar before! You're my first.

Intruder: Aye! It shows. You are holding that cosh thing all wrong.

Jack: All wrong?

Intruder: Aye, you've got it held all wrong. Give it here and I'll show you.

Jack hands the lead piping to the intruder.

Intruder: Here. Put your hand lower down the shaft and place your fingers closer together with your thumb on top.

Jack: Oh, I see. Less likely to slip and it offers more leverage.

Intruder: S'right. (thwack).

Jack: Ouch! What y'do that for?

Intruder: You started it (thwack).

Jack: Hey! That really hurt that time. You should be less excessive and not be disproportionate.

Wife: Is everything alright Jack?

Thwack, thwack, thwack.

Jack: Ouch! ....ring.... Oooh!....the... Arrrrgh! ...police...,wife! He's being disproportionate and excessive and we aught to report him.

Intruder: That new law doesn't apply to me, only applies to innocent members of the public. (thwack).

Jack: (Hands on bleeding bumps, trying to protect his napper)
Wife!! Put that phone down, NOW! I think we may have been too hasty.

END.